Moving Forward
2025 was rough, but you can find a fresh start everyday.
I questioned if it was the right thing over and over, not that my ability to reverse Uno the situation was an option at that point. Bridges had been burned, and my normal as well as hers was shaken up and dumped into a messy heap.
I haven’t written in a while. I feel rusty and avoidant of it. I miss it deeply every day, but most days I’ve chosen dishes, laundry, and tea over it. I guess in terms of love, we often avoid what’s best for us and instead choose all the things that help us stay who we are rather than what helps us be who we want to be.
One second… I have to make another cup of chai.
Last year was a difficult year for me. I was in a transitional period in almost every aspect: friendships, my marriage, my horsemanship, and my mental health. What affected me most was moving my horse to another barn. I won’t get into the nitty-gritty details of it all, but it blew up my life. The move itself ranked among the top five hardest things I’ve had to do thus far. I realize the privilege in that statement, but the stressful aftermath of the move produced long-term effects I didn’t expect.
I was hopeful that the relationship I had with my horse would not only carry over to the new barn but would also be strengthened immensely. I had a vision of us riding, like we normally would, with very few hiccups and a small transitional window. She had always been confident, after all, often surprising me with her boldness.
That wasn’t the case. Just as much as the move caused me immense stress and turmoil, it did the same for my horse. I spent months confused by her behavioural changes and the damage to our relationship. She never stopped picking her head up when I called her name, or walking to the gate to meet me from the other side of her new paddock, but her trust in me faltered because the trust I had in myself faltered significantly. I questioned if it had been the right thing over and over, not that my ability to reverse Uno the situation was an option at that point. Bridges had been burned, and my normal as well as hers was shaken up and dumped into a messy heap.
She resorted to old behaviours like rearing, and my hormonal acne flared worse than it had in my life. The after-effects of which are now acne scars in my thirties, for Christ's sake. Bean ended up with ulcers, though we suspect she already had them and they had gone untreated, but I’m sure the stress of the move didn’t help. My anxiety levels became crippling at times, and outside of social situations, I’m not usually a very anxious person. Bean also became anxious, swapping her bold confidence for barely wanting to leave the driveway without throwing a fit.
The acne crumbled what self-esteem I had left into dust. My TMJ came back with a vengeance. I have to use a nightguard, or I wake up with a sore mouth, headaches, and an unbelievably stiff neck. I gained weight… Then lost some and had two men in the span of the year comment on both my weight and my acne at work (leave it to a man I don’t know to kick me when I’m down), which I’ve claimed now as some entertaining shock-value stories, but still, 2025 made me feel like a teen again. I was uncomfortable in my body and my mind. I’m beyond grateful that I didn’t spiral into a month-long depression, but my depression did surface again after having held off for a few years, which came with its own set of shame-filled emotions I had to work through.
It’s been just over a year now at our new barn. Bean is starting to trust me again. The time we spend together is slowly shifting back to more good days than bad, but we still have a long way to go. I turned her life upside down, and I think just as I’m slowly coming to terms with the change, she is too.
It’s wild how much change can affect your life, and it’s not like I up and moved provinces (been there, done that, another of those top 5 hard experiences of mine). But moving my horse from one barn to another, and all the fallout from it, the loss, the heartache, the turmoil, and the stress it caused after the fact, was a lot. Some days it really felt like I couldn’t handle it. I thought briefly about selling my horse because of it all. I’m not going to, but so much is different now. We had to start over from scratch. I’m unlearning things day by day and trying to figure out what actually works for us. I’ve barely ridden, and I’ve had to learn to toss my expectations altogether. What used to be an escape for me became something I cried about constantly, and wished I could escape.
I still find myself grieving for parts of what I used to have. For the friends I lost, the ease of our routine, the trust my horse had in me, and even the rose coloured glasses I wore for my own capabilities and capacity for it all.
So you know, instead of diving headfirst into writing about all that I had been going through, which might have made it all feel a little less heavy, I avoided it.
I think it was partly self-sabotage and partly wanting to keep my pain private. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. The idea of sharing how broken I felt publicly was too much. If there’s anything my closest friends know about me, it’s that when things get hard, I shut out the world. But I think the idea of accepting what was happening scared me too. The thing I had to dig deep to find the courage to do didn’t yield the immediate results I hoped it would, and my boldness turned into embarrassment.
Everything turns out the way it needs to, though, and more often than not, it’s not the way we want it to.
Well, I’m back to writing, and I pretty much feel back to myself. I still have to wear my nightguard, but my acne is under control, and my mental health is again stronger for it all. Bean is still coming to the gate, and I’m earning her trust again day by day. As cliché as it is, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…
As always, thanks for taking the time to read,
Rach.
And, just because I like to share…
What I’m Reading:
I just finished the book ‘This Story Might Save Your Life’ by Tiffany Crum. I believe it was her debut novel. I read it for the book club I’m now part of, which, towards the end of last year, felt like a little saving grace. Anyway, this was a mystery/thriller/romance novel, and it’s not my typical read, but I loved it. I gave it a 4-star rating.
I also just started reading ‘Shield Of Sparrows’ by Devney Perry. It’s a romantasy, which is much more my kind of book, and I’m liking it so far. A friend said it gave her Witcher vibes, which I’m looking forward to.
I’m also about a quarter of the way through Dungeon Crawler Carl #3: The Dungeon Anarchist’s Cookbook. My husband just finished it, and is onto book #4. He can’t put them down. He has read one book since we’ve been together (13 years), and now he’s read 3 pretty thick Dungenon Crawler Books in the last month. I’m a very proud bookish girl.
What I’m Watching:
I just watched The Housemaid, and I loved it. It’s the first movie I’ve seen in a while (aside from Hail Mary) that’s kept my attention. I’m almost bummed I haven’t read the book. I’m very much the kind of person who won’t read the book if I’ve seen the movie (Most of the time). Though Frieda McFadden is somewhat controversial because of the many books she publishes. Is she cheating with AI? Does she have a ton of ghostwriters? Or aside from being a surgeon, does she do nothing else but write? Who knows.
What I’m Doing:
I think we can finally call it spring in northern Ontario. So I’ve been in full spring cleaning mode, and I’m trying to beat the black flies out in the garden. I just planted some veggies and herbs in my little indoor greenhouse, and my hens started laying again!
I also started working on the second draft of my debut novel. Do I have any clue how to finish it yet? Notta. But I figure my characters will let me know as I keep writing.
What are you reading or watching right now?